So it's been a while. Right now we have a lot of things going on and I really do not know where to start. We have gone through things from, having to move out of the apartment in to Matt's moms house to moving back out to me having issues with school and Matt's issues at work sometimes! And things got a little overwhelming for a while.
We are now going through something that could change both of our lives forever! Can't really mention it but I just know that it is going to be rough, but hopefully after next Tuesday we will know everything we need to know.
On a lighter note, I had to be out of school for a while but I have found that I am able to do reentry and I can get back on track with graduation. The bad news is that they have added things to the curriculum and I have to take like eight extra classes but hey it will be worth it in the end. I just hate looking like a failure to everyone. I just need to focus on me and do what I need to do and get things going and don't let anything stop me! I CAN DO IT!
Matt and I have been having a much better relationship lately. I think we are both growing and trying to get through everything as best we can and we realize that we need each other more than we have ever realized before. I love him with all my heart and I will do anything for him and we will get through anything thrown our way. I know we can overcome these new obstacles in our life. Love can work wonders!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday, November 10, 2011
If I Could Only Understand
Things are weird for me right now. I am in a great place in my life but that doesn't mean there are no sticky situations. Work is crazy and sometimes I just want to pull my hair out and I feel like that would make me feel better but in reality it would just hurt really bad. We are now under new management because our old boss got let go :( So everything in the world has seemed so hectic.
School is going good but not as well as I would like it to be going. I just want to be done already. I do not understand a lot of things but I know with time and commitment I will know everything I need to when I get out of school. But it seems like the challenges NEVER end. School makes me stress and when I stress nothing good comes of it. It just makes me eat more and then I cry a lot which I wish I could control but I just can't .
Home. Home is home. I am so happy here even though sometimes it might not seems that way. I can say that I think Matt and I are doing ok but that is never for sure. Every time I think we are doing ok he finds something that he says has been wrong. So sometimes I don't want to tell people how we are doing because I don't want anyone to hear something different from him because he has been known like I said to tell people we aren't doing good when I have told someone we are doing great. Then I look like an idiot. Today I was very upset. He called his mom and talked to her and he vented to me a little bit but right in front of me its there on the phone with her and says "you know I can't talk to anyone else about this stuff" HELLO....what the hell am I here for? I love him to death but he doesn't know when to say things and when not to. But i don't want to say anything to him and make him feel bad or make him mad at me! I mean seriously! What the hell do I do. I don't talk to Matt about a lot of things because I am so afraid he is going to be mad and not want to talk to me. even if I need to vent I have to do it to someone else because he feels like the anger is coming out toward him! WTF its called venting. I am not taking anything out on him I am trying to talk about my day and get things off my chest. But I don't feel like I can do that with him about anything. But when I mention something about it he gets mad at me and says that he don't do anything like that. Sometime I just wish he would listen to what I have to say instead of making me feel like I am the smallest person in the world!
Now I am just going to go to bed.
School is going good but not as well as I would like it to be going. I just want to be done already. I do not understand a lot of things but I know with time and commitment I will know everything I need to when I get out of school. But it seems like the challenges NEVER end. School makes me stress and when I stress nothing good comes of it. It just makes me eat more and then I cry a lot which I wish I could control but I just can't .
Home. Home is home. I am so happy here even though sometimes it might not seems that way. I can say that I think Matt and I are doing ok but that is never for sure. Every time I think we are doing ok he finds something that he says has been wrong. So sometimes I don't want to tell people how we are doing because I don't want anyone to hear something different from him because he has been known like I said to tell people we aren't doing good when I have told someone we are doing great. Then I look like an idiot. Today I was very upset. He called his mom and talked to her and he vented to me a little bit but right in front of me its there on the phone with her and says "you know I can't talk to anyone else about this stuff" HELLO....what the hell am I here for? I love him to death but he doesn't know when to say things and when not to. But i don't want to say anything to him and make him feel bad or make him mad at me! I mean seriously! What the hell do I do. I don't talk to Matt about a lot of things because I am so afraid he is going to be mad and not want to talk to me. even if I need to vent I have to do it to someone else because he feels like the anger is coming out toward him! WTF its called venting. I am not taking anything out on him I am trying to talk about my day and get things off my chest. But I don't feel like I can do that with him about anything. But when I mention something about it he gets mad at me and says that he don't do anything like that. Sometime I just wish he would listen to what I have to say instead of making me feel like I am the smallest person in the world!
Now I am just going to go to bed.
Friday, September 30, 2011
The weekend
So alot is going on right now. Work is okay and my life with Matt is just great. No we aren't engaged but thing are just better than ever.
We just found out that when we can apply for a home loan and we are super excited. I love that he wants to share this experience withe. Their have been so many great things happen over the last few days.
Matt got employee of the month for the second time this year! That is huge for him! He has a big chance of winning employee of the year and that's a 5,000 dollar bonus!!!!
He also found out that he passed his test to become a level three designer! It's just amazing how many things that can go right for someone that has tried so hard. I am proud of him!
We just found out that when we can apply for a home loan and we are super excited. I love that he wants to share this experience withe. Their have been so many great things happen over the last few days.
Matt got employee of the month for the second time this year! That is huge for him! He has a big chance of winning employee of the year and that's a 5,000 dollar bonus!!!!
He also found out that he passed his test to become a level three designer! It's just amazing how many things that can go right for someone that has tried so hard. I am proud of him!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Just thinking...AGAIN
A lot has gone on with me the past 3 years. Some of the things have been great and the others, not so much. I find myslef thinking about all I have went through and how it had made me as strong as I am today. But am I weak for tinking about it? Sometimes I feel like I am doing so many things wrong that I mess things up.
Matt gets so irritated with me but I don't mean to be weird or annoying. I have gotten to this point of not knowing who I am and I think that is a very bad thing. I want to feel comfortable with who I am I want to know that my boyfriend loves me enough that he would never do me wrong. Sometimes I just want to let loose and be me again, but who is that?
That's a horrible question to be asking yourself! I think that I should have been able to be myself from the beginning and the bad thing is that I know I could have been myself and I chose not to. I am not the shy person everyone sees when I go around his family nor am I that girl that keeps her feelings to herself, nor the girl that doesn't sing in the car with anyone but when Matt asks I on't do it! But why? What happened to me?
I feel lost in my own mind lately. I am trying not to let it get to me but I just don't know how to do that!
Matt gets so irritated with me but I don't mean to be weird or annoying. I have gotten to this point of not knowing who I am and I think that is a very bad thing. I want to feel comfortable with who I am I want to know that my boyfriend loves me enough that he would never do me wrong. Sometimes I just want to let loose and be me again, but who is that?
That's a horrible question to be asking yourself! I think that I should have been able to be myself from the beginning and the bad thing is that I know I could have been myself and I chose not to. I am not the shy person everyone sees when I go around his family nor am I that girl that keeps her feelings to herself, nor the girl that doesn't sing in the car with anyone but when Matt asks I on't do it! But why? What happened to me?
I feel lost in my own mind lately. I am trying not to let it get to me but I just don't know how to do that!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Yea...So I Mess Up Like Everyone Else!
Last night was probab;y the worst night I have had in a very long time. Our alarm started going off for no reason at all and my sweet Pepper was barking so much she started throwing up. Then she slept forever. When Matt isn't home it seems like all kinds of things happen. I don't know if it is just me being dramatic or what but that's what it seems like. I was so scared and the night I had didn't help any!
While the alarm was going off I was trying to cal Matt for over an hour and I knew he wasn't asleep but yet he wasn't answering his phone. I don't know what that was about but he called me at 1:30 AM and told me that he was sorry his phone died and he was going to bed. Well, 2:40 AM rolls around and I find out he is still up and talking to one of his friends about a girl that he saw at the race track and how he told her to suck him and it was just really bad! I mean who does that when they have a girlfriend at home and just the day before told that girl that they wanted to have a family with her.
He says it was a really ugly old lady but I don't knwo if I believe that or not because of the way they were talking. And really wasn't anything bad just typical stuff for a guy to say. But it was the point to me. So I flipped out big time. I called him cussing and yelling at him because I saw this conversation and I was just furious. And the night that I had and the sleep that I didn't get did not go good with the conversation that I thought I was going to have. I just ended up being angry. I know not to do that anymore and I will be a lot more carefull about the things that I flip out about because really he didn't do anything bad and I think that I know Matt good enough that he wouldn't do anything like that to me!
But when I couldn't get a holdof him for an hour and then all the stuff about the converstaion came up that he had with one of his buddies I just lost it and thought I couldn't trust him ever again. I know that I can but I just do not like some of the things that he chooses to do, but how do I tell him that? He will just end up maad at me like he always does. And believe me that gets really old really fast. I just don't want to do it anymore!
While the alarm was going off I was trying to cal Matt for over an hour and I knew he wasn't asleep but yet he wasn't answering his phone. I don't know what that was about but he called me at 1:30 AM and told me that he was sorry his phone died and he was going to bed. Well, 2:40 AM rolls around and I find out he is still up and talking to one of his friends about a girl that he saw at the race track and how he told her to suck him and it was just really bad! I mean who does that when they have a girlfriend at home and just the day before told that girl that they wanted to have a family with her.
He says it was a really ugly old lady but I don't knwo if I believe that or not because of the way they were talking. And really wasn't anything bad just typical stuff for a guy to say. But it was the point to me. So I flipped out big time. I called him cussing and yelling at him because I saw this conversation and I was just furious. And the night that I had and the sleep that I didn't get did not go good with the conversation that I thought I was going to have. I just ended up being angry. I know not to do that anymore and I will be a lot more carefull about the things that I flip out about because really he didn't do anything bad and I think that I know Matt good enough that he wouldn't do anything like that to me!
But when I couldn't get a holdof him for an hour and then all the stuff about the converstaion came up that he had with one of his buddies I just lost it and thought I couldn't trust him ever again. I know that I can but I just do not like some of the things that he chooses to do, but how do I tell him that? He will just end up maad at me like he always does. And believe me that gets really old really fast. I just don't want to do it anymore!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
YAY SCHOOL :D
So as of September 9th I passed my two classes anatomy and physiology and survey of mathematics :) I cannot begin to express how excited I am! I did not in any way think that I could pass math by myself and I did it!!!!!!!!yay
Tomorrow September 21st I start my new classes, Pharmacology and Intro to Health Science. I am super excited!
The end!
Tomorrow September 21st I start my new classes, Pharmacology and Intro to Health Science. I am super excited!
The end!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Time to Sit Back and Look Around...
Their has been a lot of people come and go in my life and I am so thankful for the ones who have stuck around. Their is no point in trying to be befriend someone and not getting the same in return. I really do not understand how some people can just treat you like you are their best friend one day and the next like you never existed.
I know someone that is doing that and I just do not think it's right. It is very hurtful and childish. I believe 100% in treating people the way I would want to be treated. If I befriend you it's because I like you and I think that we can stay friends or because we have so much in common. It's not for my health or to make me feel good about myself. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not do things just so other people are happy, I do it because I want to. I just think it is crazy how people can be so rude and not care what they are doing to someone who considered them one of their good friends.
Whatever, I think it is time to look at my life and let go of the people who shouldn't and do not deserve to be in it. I do not have time for people like that. I am in school, and I work very hard for everything that I have and I need to only focus on the people that care about me and love me for me. I have no need or want for someone in my life that just likes to take advantage. wish things could work out but......NO!
I know someone that is doing that and I just do not think it's right. It is very hurtful and childish. I believe 100% in treating people the way I would want to be treated. If I befriend you it's because I like you and I think that we can stay friends or because we have so much in common. It's not for my health or to make me feel good about myself. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not do things just so other people are happy, I do it because I want to. I just think it is crazy how people can be so rude and not care what they are doing to someone who considered them one of their good friends.
Whatever, I think it is time to look at my life and let go of the people who shouldn't and do not deserve to be in it. I do not have time for people like that. I am in school, and I work very hard for everything that I have and I need to only focus on the people that care about me and love me for me. I have no need or want for someone in my life that just likes to take advantage. wish things could work out but......NO!
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