The weekend

So alot is going on right now. Work is okay and my life with Matt is just great. No we aren't engaged but thing are just better than ever.
We just found out that when we can apply for a home loan and we are super excited. I love that he wants to share this experience withe. Their have been so many great things happen over the last few days.
Matt got employee of the month for the second time this year! That is huge for him! He has a big chance of winning employee of the year and that's a 5,000 dollar bonus!!!!
He also found out that he passed his test to become a level three designer! It's just amazing how many things that can go right for someone that has tried so hard. I am proud of him!

Just thinking...AGAIN

A lot has gone on with me the past 3 years. Some of the things have been great and the others, not so much. I find myslef thinking about all I have went through and how it had made me as strong as I am today. But am I weak for tinking about it? Sometimes I feel like I am doing so many things wrong that I mess things up.

Matt gets so irritated with me but I don't mean to be weird or annoying. I have gotten to this point of not knowing who I am and I think that is a very bad thing. I want to feel comfortable with who I am I want to know that my boyfriend loves me enough that he would never do me wrong. Sometimes I just want to let loose and be me again, but who is that?

That's a horrible question to be asking yourself! I think that I should have been able to be myself from the beginning and the bad thing is that I know I could have been myself and I chose not to. I am not the shy person everyone sees when I go around his family nor am I that girl that keeps her feelings to herself, nor the girl that doesn't sing in the car with anyone but when Matt asks I on't do it! But why? What happened to me?

I feel lost in my own mind lately. I am trying not to let it get to me but I just don't know how to do that!

Yea...So I Mess Up Like Everyone Else!

Last night was probab;y the worst night I have had in a very long time. Our alarm started going off for no reason at all and my sweet Pepper was barking so much she started throwing up. Then she slept forever. When Matt isn't home it seems like all kinds of things happen. I don't know if it is just me being dramatic or what but that's what it seems like. I was so scared and the night I had didn't help any!

While the alarm was going off I was trying to cal Matt for over an hour and I knew he wasn't asleep but yet he wasn't answering his phone. I don't know what that was about but he called me at 1:30 AM and told me that he was sorry his phone died and he was going to bed. Well, 2:40 AM rolls around and I find out he is still up and talking to one of his friends about a girl that he saw at the race track and how he told her to suck him and it was just really bad! I mean who does that when they have a girlfriend at home and just the day before told that girl that they wanted to have a family with her.

He says it was a really ugly old lady but I don't knwo if I believe that or not because of the way they were talking. And really wasn't anything bad just typical stuff for a guy to say. But it was the point to me. So I flipped out big time. I called him cussing and yelling at him because I saw this conversation and I was just furious. And the night that I had and the sleep that I didn't get did not go good with the conversation that I thought I was going to have. I just ended up being angry. I know not to do that anymore and I will be a lot more carefull about the things that I flip out about because really he didn't do anything bad and I think that I know Matt good enough that he wouldn't do anything like that to me!

But when I couldn't get a holdof him for an hour and then all the stuff about the converstaion came up that he had with one of his buddies I just lost it and thought I couldn't trust him ever again. I know that I can but I just do not like some of the things that he chooses to do, but how do I tell him that? He will just end up maad at me like he always does. And believe me that gets really old really fast. I just don't want to do it anymore!

YAY SCHOOL :D

So as of September 9th I passed my two classes anatomy and physiology and survey of mathematics :) I cannot begin to express how excited I am! I did not in any way think that I could pass math by myself and I did it!!!!!!!!yay

Tomorrow September 21st I start my new classes, Pharmacology and Intro to Health Science. I am super excited!

The end!

Time to Sit Back and Look Around...

Their has been a lot of people come and go in my life and I am so thankful for the ones who have stuck around. Their is no point in trying to be befriend someone and not getting the same in return. I really do not understand how some people can just treat you like you are their best friend one day and the next like you never existed.

I know someone that is doing that and I just do not think it's right. It is very hurtful and childish. I believe 100% in treating people the way I would want to be treated. If I befriend you it's because I like you and I think that we can stay friends or because we have so much in common. It's not for my health or to make me feel good about myself. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not do things just so other people are happy, I do it because I want to. I just think it is crazy how people can be so rude and not care what they are doing to someone who considered them one of their good friends.

Whatever, I think it is time to look at my life and let go of the people who shouldn't and do not deserve to be in it. I do not have time for people like that. I am in school, and I work very hard for everything that I have and I need to only focus on the people that care about me and love me for me. I have no need or want for someone in my life that just likes to take advantage. wish things could work out but......NO!

The Greatest Friend....

So..... My boyfriend goes out of town a lot for work and racing with his dad. He loves it. Me....not so much. I love that he enjoys himself but I do not like to be at home alone. Don't know why but it makes me paranoid and freaked out! So last night I went over to my friend Haley Deadwylers house and was just hanging out with her. Prior to this my friend Ashlee blew me off like always and my friend Holly had some important things to deal with since her brother just passed away.

We were talking about dinner and she asked if I wanted to go eat and then we got to talking about her coming to my house and staying with me. So then we talked to Ethan and he said he didn't mind if she came and stayed with me. I just thought how great it was that even though it was last minute she still came and stayed with me and was the most supportive person ever. And on top of all that she paid for my dinner!

It was expensive, I felt so bad for her doing that! I just know that I have the greatest friend ever in Haley and I hope it stays that way forever because good friends are very hard to find now days! Plus it's not that often I find a girl that I get along with either. lol

Matthew comes home from Kennesaw today....actually he is on his way back right now as I am typing! I can't wait for him to come back. I miss him so much when he is gone even if it is just for a day! That's how I know I am just so in love with him! He is so amazing! I could never ask for anyone or anything better! So happy with my life right now. except the job thing but life with Matt couldn't be any better! Love him tons!

An emotional day....

Today marks the 18th surgery my little brother has had in his life on his legs. he got to the hospital at 11:00 AM and is still in there. Surgery was suppose to start at 1 PM but just started and it is 3:05 PM I think they are running a little late. i worry every second. What else can I do?

On another note, I went through a lot when Matt and I first got together and today with the things going on with my brother and thinking about differnt things that have happned with us I just can't help but cry. I wish I could control it and I can't. i wwent through a period where I was severly depressed and I felt so alone even though I know Matt was there got me. It is a hard thing to go through and I feel  like I am getting back down in the dumps like before. I do not want to be that person.

I find myself wondering if Matt is really happy with me or if he stays with me because he feels bad for me because we have been through so much. I just don't know what to do. I don't think he would stay with me for those reasons because I know the kind of person he is. But I can't help but wonder because it does seem like so much has gone on that I don't understand why he is still with me!

I have never had anyone love me the way he does and be there for me the way he is. It's insane to think that someone could go through so much with you and they stick aorund no matter what the situation is and it isn't unitl later that you realize that they are there for you and would do anything for you!

I get so irriatated so easy and I just wonder why and how Matt puts up with me. I really think that a lot of times he just ignores it and tries to over look things. I just don't know. I have had so much on my mind today I have wore myself out just thinking about things.

I know that I have a bright future ahead of me and Iknow that Matt will be in it I just ned to stop doubting everything!

A Day to Remember

Today is such sad day to remember. The twin towers and the pentagon were hit 10 years ago today. It seems like just yesterday this tragedy struck America. Today you will see tons of pictures and videos and some have even made movies about this day. Keep everyone in your prayers. 

But today is also my brother Codys birthday. Though it is a sad  day we try not to think about all the bad things that now come with this day while celebrating his birthday. 

Not a lot to say today, their is so much going on in the world. Looking forward to the coming week.

A point of not knowing....again!

A lot has gone on the last few weeks and I am to the point where I just do not know where to turn once again. For a while things were going great and life was what I wanted it to be. But we all know that it does not stay that way forever. Their are curve balls that you have to learn how to hit and knock out of the park. Though it sounds easy it really is not.

For Matt and I we have had hard times it seems since we first started dating. That may not be true but that surely is how it seems. We can never catch a break it seems as though things are not suppose to work in our favor. But no matter what we go through we support one another and we help each other through every situation.

I recently, well three months ago got a new job at the apartment complex where we live and i love it. Unit the other day I was making just enough to pay my rent and help with one extra bill, which I know does not sound like a lot but for me it is because I have never really been able to help like I have wanted to. A few days ago ,y boss called me in and said that theymade some schedule changes and that my hours had been cut in half where I only work 2 days a week. I didn't know what to do. How do I tell Matt I can no longer afford to pay rent by myself? I just didn't know how I was going to do it. Ifonally got brave and told him what happened. He was very understand yet angry at the same time and just told me that everything will work out and he just knows that it will. So it made me feel a little better.

The entire day I was so worried not knowing what to do. I think that we will be okay, yes, but what about other things? I was thinking about food and other bills as well. We seems to get behind and not know how we get that way. I just can't get behind again. we have big plans for next year and if anythin gets behind we are going to be some big trouble and have serious issues.

Though I know that we will be fine, we always are, it still worries me to think that now I can't do everything that I wanted to and needed to do to help Matt. Try to keep a positive outlook on everything is what everyone tells me to do but is it really that easy?